Penis Perils: 8 Afflictions to Avoid
If you have a penis, proceed with caution! Your “crown jewels” are precious, but they’re also vulnerable to a variety of potential mishaps. We’ve compiled a list of eight penile afflictions that are as eye-watering as they are real. If any of these sound familiar, it’s time to see a doctor, pronto!
1. Sax, Not Sex: Twisted Penis Disorder
Despite its musical name, "saxophone penis" isn't something you'll want to serenade your partner with. This condition, caused by blocked lymph nodes or a bacterial infection (often chlamydia), causes the penis to swell and twist, resembling a saxophone. It's painful and can affect both urination and sexual function. The good news? It's rare and treatable through medication or surgery.
2. Reversing Roles
For an unlucky few, a fistula—a tear that connects organs—can occur after prostate or bladder surgery, or treatment for prostate cancer. In extreme cases, this can lead to a recto-urethral fistula, where the urethra and rectum connect, causing urine to pass through the anus or feces through the penis. This condition is traumatic but fixable with surgery.
3. The Wrong Kind of Fishing Rod
Meet the candiru, a small catfish from the Amazon Basin. This parasitic fish allegedly swims up the urethra and uses its spines to latch on inside, feeding on blood. Though terrifying, the reality of candiru attacks on humans is questionable, with only a handful of cases reported. Let’s hope it remains an urban legend.
4. Peyronie’s Disease
This condition, affecting about 0.7% of men, is caused by scar tissue (plaques) forming in the erectile tissue of the penis, leading to significant curvature or indentations. Symptoms include painful erections, difficulty urinating, and sexual dysfunction. Peyronie’s is treatable, so if you notice changes in the shape of your penis or experience pain, consult a doctor.
5. Broken Penis
Yes, it’s possible to “break” your penis. Although it contains no bones, the penis can rupture under excessive pressure, usually during vigorous sex or masturbation. A snapping sound, followed by immediate loss of erection and pain, indicates a fracture. Immediate surgery is essential to prevent long-term complications.
6. Priapism
Priapism is an erection that lasts longer than four hours and doesn’t go away after ejaculation. It can be linked to conditions like sickle cell disease, rabies, or as a side effect of ED medications. While a prolonged erection might seem desirable, it can actually cause permanent damage to penile tissue if not treated promptly. Seek immediate medical care if you experience this.
7. Hematospermia
Hematospermia, or blood in semen, is a condition that can be alarming but isn’t always serious. Often benign, it can also signal more severe issues like testicular or bladder cancer. If you’re over 40, or if it happens frequently or with other symptoms, see a doctor for an evaluation.
8. Definitely NOT Puppy Love
In a bizarre case from the Dominican Republic in 2013, a man who passed out drunk on the streets woke up to find his penis missing, allegedly bitten off by a dog. The moral of the story? Don’t drink excessively, and maybe stick to cats as pets!
Final Thoughts
The penis is an extraordinary part of the male anatomy—capable of giving pleasure, enabling reproduction, and facilitating essential bodily functions. While the conditions above are rare, they underscore the importance of proper penile care and prompt medical attention if something feels wrong. Don’t let these penis perils cause undue paranoia, but do keep an eye on your crown jewels and seek help if needed!
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