Managing Relationships: Balancing Our Primitive and Executive Brain Responses
We often believe that our rational, thinking brain governs our actions. This "executive" part of the brain handles decision-making and logical thought. However, in reality, we can easily slip into the "primitive" brain, which triggers defensive and aggressive reactions when we feel threatened. These reactions can manifest as intense outbursts or withdrawal, neither of which are controlled by the executive brain.
The irony is that our partners, who we expect to make us feel safe, can sometimes be perceived as the greatest threat. This can be triggered by small actions like a tone of voice or a specific look. Our ancient nervous system can't distinguish between a life-threatening danger and a tense moment with a partner, leading us to react defensively.
To prevent our relationships from being governed by this primitive response, we need to actively engage the executive brain, especially during challenging situations. This requires self-soothing techniques such as deep breathing, relaxing the body, and consciously choosing calmer responses.
However, since relationship issues are inherently relational, co-regulation is crucial. This means both partners should s trive to keep each other calm, which is more effective than self-regulation alone. Through eye contact, gentle touch, calm tone, and giving space, we can create a safe and connected environment, allowing the executive brain to remain in control.
Mastering co-regulation helps couples navigate challenging conversations effectively, fostering a supportive, loving, and mutually interdependent relationship.
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